Fitzpatricide – n. The act of an NFL team murdering its long term chances by falling for the short-term illusion that is Ryan Fitzpatrick.
Ryan Fitzpatrick is a diabolical franchise killer. He’s done it before and the Bucs are his next mark. Much like Hannibal Lecter, or the boyfriend in a Lifetime movie, Fitzpatrick uses cunning and charm to groom his victims before striking. He enters their lives in an unassuming way and puts on the nice guy routine to gain their trust. He seems helpful in a time of need, almost too good to be true – and he is. Once he has fully gained a team’s confidence, he reveals his true self, trapping them in the basement and torturing them. The abuse may only last for a few months but the scars take years to heal. Just ask the Bills and Jets. Heed my warning Tampa Bay: “Fitzmagic” is what happens right before “Fitzpatricide”. The Buccaneers just spotted Ryan Fitzpatrick struggling to load some furniture into his van, and he’s moments away from asking Dirk Koetter if he’s a size 14.
Is Malcom Glazer a great, big, fat person?
If Clarice Starling were compiling a potential victim profile, Tampa would check all the boxes. 1) You have a team with talented skill position players but they keep coming up short. 2) You have a fan base that is frustrated from years of almost being good. 3) You have an enigmatic starting quarterback that can’t quite put it all together. 4) You have an overwhelmed head coach looking for a way to save his job.
I started writing this a week ago when I remembered that Jaimes Winston was suspended for the first few weeks of the season, and it dawned on me that Fitzpatrick was his backup. I knew immediately danger was afoot. And right on cue, Fitz stepped in and piled up 400 yards and five touchdowns. Once I heard head coach, Dirk Koetter, gleefully use the phrase “FitzMagic”, I knew I had to finish this piece and post it as quickly as possible. Someone in Tampa please pass this along to management before it’s too late.
In the movie, Buffalo Bill is the killer – in the NFL, Buffalo Bills are the victim
The Bengals escaped being Fitz’s first victim. He stepped in for an injured Carson Palmer and showed some promise, throwing 8 TDs in 12 starts, though the dynamic receiving duo of Chad Johnson, and TJ Houshmandzadeh probably had something to do with that. (Sound familiar Tampa?) Fortunately for Cincinnati, Palmer was obviously much too talented to give up on. So Fitz packed up his ether rag and duct tape, and went to Buffalo. The Bills had an interim head coach and the uber-vanilla Trent Edwards as their starter, so they were an easy target.
The Bills weren’t quite desperate enough… yet… so Fitz was unable to win the starting job and the indecisive coaching staff went back and forth between him and Edwards for a season. But the following year, when human hot seat, Chan Gailey, took over as head coach, he named Fitzpatrick the starter after Edwards went 0-2. In his first game, with a bit of help from Stevie Johnson, Lee Evans, and Fred Jackson, Fitz threw for 300 yards and 4 TDs and the trap was set. In 2011, six years into his career, he became a Day 1 starter for the first time. After only a month of action, the Bills handed Fitzpatrick a six year contract worth $59 million. Once he lured Gailey and the Buffalo front office into his windowless white van, Fitzpatrick pulled out the tire iron. The Bills finished 6-10, and while Fitzpatrick did throw for 3800 yards, he also led the league in interceptions (23), almost matching his TD total (24). In 2013, when Buffalo woke up to the fact that they had somehow put Chan Gailey in charge of their football team, they promptly corrected the situation by firing Gailey and cutting Fitzpatrick. It’s been 5 years now that Buffalo has been staring up from the bottom of a well wondering if it is about to get the hose again. So far they’ve only managed to pull “Precious” (Josh Allen) into the hole with them.
We Covet What We See Everyday
That 6-10 record must have made Tennessee feel at home and they signed Fitzy to a 2 year deal. Tennessee was a prime candidate for Fitzpatricide; they had years of mediocrity, an under-performing #1 pick at QB, and the fabulous Mike Munchak as their head coach. In typical fashion, Fitzpatrick couldn’t beat out Jake Locker – a guy with 42 QB rating – for the starting job. But fate stepped in a few weeks later when Locker got injured. However, there was not enough wide receiver talent for the usual shell game to work. Fitzpatrick and Munchak were both let go at the end of the season. If you’re a Titans fan, say a quick “Thank You” to Ken Wisenhunt (and his odd loyalty to Charlie Whitehurst) every time Marcus Mariota leads a scoring drive.
Houston was the next innocent motorist who picked up Fitzpatrick from the roadside. Ryan must have thought the Texans would be ripe for the picking. They were a perennially struggling expansion team, loaded at wide out, with a first time head coach, and a pool of replacement level quarterbacks. Fortunately for Houston, Coach Bill O’Brien got suspicious and pulled the car over, Fitz was replaced by the immortal Ryan Mallet halfway through the season. However, a new mark quickly appeared on the horizon, when the moribund Jets hired Ryan’s old pal Chan Gailey to run their offense. New York promptly traded a low 2015 draft pick to acquire Fitzpatrick.
Lecter Finds a Fountain Pen
The trade to New York set up a training camp battle between Fitzpatrick and another over drafted, underwhelming QB, Geno Smith. This pathetic showdown ended up being moot, when a teammate broke Smith’s jaw in a locker room brawl – talk about “Fitz-magic”. Thus, Fitzpatrick got the starting job by default. Years from now, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Fitz made a calculated, Hannibal-style move, and coerced that D-lineman into punching Geno in the face.
He wasted no time bringing out the mad bomber routine, and getting the manic-depressive mental ward that is Jets Nation more worked up than Miggs at a Red Cross blood drive. In no time, the Jets faithful were demanding that the franchise break the bank and sign Fitzpatrick to a long-term deal. New York gave him a fully guaranteed $12 Million contract. The Jets ended up going 5-11. The next season – much like the day after a company Christmas party, when you wake up hung over, and filled with regret, because you had a supply closet hook-up with some one from IT – the Jets’ deleted Chan Gailey’s number from their cell phone and told Fitzpatrick “it’s not you, it’s me”.
Frederica Bimmel’s Photo Album
Aside from the millions of dollars Buffalo and New York shelled out, it would seem that the teams did not sustain that much damage. But the reality is that Fitzpatrick is the walking embodiment of Opportunity Cost. In 2011, the year Cam Newton left college, Buffalo had the #3 pick in the draft. If the team had viewed quarterback as a priority, theoretically, they might have been able to move up two spots to land Newton. Even if they couldn’t work that deal, in the second round they chose a cornerback just ahead of Andy Dalton and Colin Kaepernick. (Stow your latent racism and ginger jokes for the moment and realize both guys are decent NFL starters who’ve made it to the playoffs.) The following year, they chose to extend Fitzpatrick, rather than wade into the QB deep 2012 draft where Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin were the top picks. Thinking they already had an answer at quarterback, the Bills went defense in the first round, then chose wide receiver T.J. Graham five slots ahead of Russell Wilson in the third. They also passed up the opportunity to take a flyer on Kirk Cousins or eventual super bowl MVP Nick Foles.
In the case of the Jets, instead of trading one 2015 pick to get Fitzpatrick, they could’ve packaged multiple picks to move up from the number six spot and draft either Mariotta or Jameis Winston. Instead, they ended up with Bryce Petty. The Jets would need a few years of frustration, and some questionable moves from the teams ahead of them for potential savior Sam Darnold to land in their laps this year.
Now, coincidentally, Winston will have to sit helplessly on the sideline and witness Fitzpatricide first-hand. During Winston’s remaining 2 game suspension, we can expect Fitzy to throw for roughly 700 yards and half a dozen TDs. This will lead to massive debate about who to start when Jameis returns, creating a divided locker room and fan base. Desperate Dirk will end up playing QB carousel, where both players will show flashes of potential and dread, but not enough of either for the team to get a definitive answer on who should win the job. The Bucs will play just good enough to win 9 or 10 games, but miss the playoffs in the loaded NFC south. Koetter will earn a stay-of-execution, then in a last ditch power move, he will trade Jameis in the off-season, and name Fitzpatrick the starter. In two years, Winston will be quarterbacking the Giants in the playoffs, and Fitzy will be asking Ryan Tannehill if he wants to see the puppy he keeps in a shed at the Dolphins’ practice facility.
Someone call Jack Gordon or maybe Silent Bob
Perhaps comparing Fitzpatrick to serial killers is a bit extreme. At the very least, it seems like he is that weasel guy who makes a move on everybody’s girlfriend right after the couple has an argument. He sees when a team is at its most vulnerable and needs a shoulder to cry on, and then shows up with some Pad Thai and a bottle of chardonnay. Maybe he’s not Jame Gumb, but at minimum he is Ben Affleck in Mallrats, and the Buccaneers are about to have sex in a fairly uncomfortable place.
It’s not too late Tampa. Don’t fall for Fitz’s charming smile, rugged beard, and offer to give you a ride home after Jameis went off to do tequila shots with his buddies at the keg party. It’s a trap! Sure, Ryan will make small talk with your relatives at your cousin’s wedding, and he’ll take you to dinner at a nice restaurant on your birthday, but a year into the relationship, you’ll find out that he has 3 maxed out credit cards, a baby-momma, and he’s about to ask you for some cash to pay for a new muffler on his Optima. Don’t do it Tampa. You march back into that house, drag Jaimes away from the beer pong table, and tell him you really want to make this work. Sure, Ryan has a copy of “The Love Below” in his Kia, but he also has zip ties, a roll of polyethylene in there too. DO NOT get in that car. You’ve been warned.
3am Cynic 